Two years in review and new beginnings

    Its hard to believe that my time in Zambia is coming to a close, in some respects I remember that plane ride to Philly so well (there was snow and ice, my plane got delayed 3 times, I almost missed the new boarding time, I was so freaked out I would never make it to Philadelphia and Peace Corps would fly to Africa without me).  Then there are moments where I have to laugh because that all seems like eons ago I even have a hard time relating to myself from 2 years ago; 23 years of age, excited, idealist, naive, terrified, much cleaner.  Its safe to say that the Garrett returning home is not the same girl who left. And Im OK with that.

     As for what Ive done here, in terms of numbers, my village has 16 new fish farmers, over 40 new ponds, over 2,000 fingerlings stocked, painted the old clinic, built 2 complete houses for staff, taught 200 teenage boys how to use a condom properly and safely, provided a mini clinic from my hut, started Girls Leading Our World (GLOW), registered 2 cooperatives, and taught how to bake and sell bread for income.  Im pretty happy with all of this.

        Its impossible to pinpoint what exactly Ive learned being here - or even try to portray the complexity of emotions we PCVs experience on a daily.  I now understand what determination can achieve, what my body can endure, what a lot of things people "cant" do are really psychological blocks.  Ive seen the affects of poor health care, malnutrition, overpopulation, HIV, cuts and injuries neglected and left to fester, and experience symptoms of malaria, giardia, and poisonous spider bites.  And it seems normal.  Ive been to more funerals for babies, school children and teens, parents, and village elders than Id have liked but I dont know how to descibe the hopelessness of seeing something so easily fixable in a different world and being unable to fix it in this one. 

     Ive also been able to witness some beautiful, strong, healthy children be born and grow and I can show you photos of happy of us all playing on my porch, and describe how these kids can make or break your day, but I dont know how to convey the regret I feel knowing that in a better world these kids wouldnt be hanging out on my porch all day - theyd be in school.  I know the joy and pride you can feel from growing your own vegetables, harvesting a pond, and how betrayed you feel when neighbors steal.  Ive been part of weddings, witnessed a presidential election, and celebrated Zambia advancing in the Africa Cup.  Ive traveled on buses for 24 hours straight only to cover 900 km, had to scratch plans A-C and make up plan D on the spot (and pray that it works), learn a new language, and seen what the strength of a village can achieve.  I have simultaneously found a family and a home in this strange, infuriating, beautiful country, and will constantly be the "muzungu", the foreigner, never really blending in.

       Id like to think that Im Zambian, but at the end of the day Im one day closer to going home.  PCVs live this strange double life straddling their village and the modern world, and we adapt, learn, live, survive, and we leave, while our neighbors will continue to sleep through leaky roofs, haul water, and depend on solar power and campfires.  Over these 2 years Ive acquired a lot of guilt (to the point if I have food that Id like to eat, say an apple, I hide in my house and eat it where no one can see me). While I am beyond excited to be back with family and friends in America, to be blissfully comfortable taking a HOT shower (with water pressure) and sleeping on non-foam mattress, in the back of my mind Ill still be remembering Zambia and the family I left, as I believe most RPCVs do.